Author, Speaker, and Podcast Host Brendan Burns is the first to admit that he used to be a “Nice Guy.”Dr. Robert Glover, psychotherapist and author of No More Mr. Nice Guy (2003), defines a nice guy as someone who, “seeks out the approval of others, is concerned about looking good, doing it right and is happiest when making others happy”. You may have heard a similar term, “people pleaser.” Burns shares that for a long time he was in denial about his people-pleasing tendencies, but looking back, he realizes that he would routinely agree to attend parties he had no interest in or work late into the night to avoid ever having to tell a client or boss “No.”
Pulitzer Prize winner Herbert Bayard Swope once said, “I can’t give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: Try to please everybody all the time.” Many people confuse people-pleasing with being nice. They believe, like Burns did, that they are being a good friend, doing the right thing, or not ruffling any feathers. They start by giving an unreciprocated inch and over time it turns into a mile. However, when people give in to “keep the peace,” what they are really doing is putting the needs of others ahead of their own in order to avoid facing and processing the emotions of fear and guilt.
Burns explains that there is a difference between being nice and being kind. Between caring and caretaking. Between doing good work and doing anything and everything to please someone else. People can be kind, without bending over backward to please others. This may seem a bit countercultural in a society that is all about saying “Yes,” and filling up people’s schedules to the breaking point, but Burns argues that learning to say “No,” and creating healthy boundaries is a vital skill.
He likens it to being on an airplane, the instructions say that in the event of an emergency to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others. You can’t give what you don’t already have. By saying no, you’re putting on your own oxygen mask first and making yourself a priority so that you’ll have the mental, emotional, and physical capacity to serve and love others well.
When individuals say yes to the wrong people, they don’t create space for the right ones. There’s nothing wrong with saying no and being true to who you are. In fact, people actually respect others who stand up for themselves more than those who don’t. So get good at saying no, Burns shares, and make space for your true priorities. Sometimes it can be hard to determine which opportunities to say yes to, though, but in such situations, Burns refers to a quote by Tim Ferriss, a renowned author, who says, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.” It’s easy to overcomplicate decisions, but if something isn’t 100% for you, then it isn’t for you at all. Learning to say no isn’t easy, especially for nice guys and people-pleasers, but it’s an essential skill to hone.
There’s a concept in business that can also be applied to relationships known as opportunity cost. It’s based on the idea that for every opportunity people say yes to, they have to say no to other opportunities. When faced with tough decisions, Burns recommends asking, what’s the best opportunity and what’s it going to cost me? Consider the costs of saying yes to the wrong opportunities, as well as the benefits of saying no. Remember, saying no often opens up doors and avenues that you may never have even known about if you immediately said yes to every opportunity that presented itself.
Ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and moving on. Value yourself, your time, and your creativity. Keep in mind that by saying no to the things that don’t meet your needs, you’re creating space to say yes to the things that do. Say “No” more often, Burns challenges, start to get comfortable with saying it, build that muscle. It gets easier with time and when you finally come across the right person, job opportunity, event, etc., you’ll have the time, space and energy to take that on because you said no to all the wrong opportunities that weren’t worth your time. No longer a people pleaser of “nice guy,” Burns now identifies as a kind and generous person, but one with healthy boundaries, and in his work as a Life, Business, and Relationships coach he encourages others to become the same.
To see more, you can visit Burns’ website at www.brendanhburns.com or his Instagram @brendanhburns (www.instagram.com/brendanhburns). Burns also hosts the podcast The Brendan Burns Show which is featured on iTunes and Spotify.
